The Coyote Exchange

First of all, welcome to new readers of The Coyote
Exchange.  I welcome your thoughts,  feedback and participation in this website designed to inspire and uncover the potential of the human spirit in all of us.

I’m often asked ‘why Coyote’?  I think it’s interesting that while Coyote Greetings was founded in the San Francisco Bay Area, now that I live in Phoenix, people automatically assume I chose a ‘regional’ figurehead
and logo to brand my greeting cards and blog.

This couldn’t be farther from the truth – though I must tell you that ‘sightings’ of coyote happen much more often here in the desert –  which makes me come alive with thoughts about the paradoxical work of the coyote, and why it’s prevalent and relevant in Native America folklore and today.

So as a brief introduction to the work of ‘coyote’ for those unfamiliar with this mythical creature, I will introduce him/her to you and the purposeful animal medicine of the ‘coyote’ and what I think is the big missing in most of us, where the work needs to be done, where the ‘rubber meets the road’ so to speak – the development and maintenance of healthy self-esteem.

The coyote plays the role of the trickster or culture hero, and often appears in the creation of myths or just-so-stories in Native American culture.  Jamie Sams in
“Dancing the Dream”, The Seven Sacred Paths to Human Transformation speaks at
length about animal medicine and the coyote.  She reminds us in her wonderful work….to remember that all lessons in life are about finding balance – and that this is a ‘tricky’ task.  Trickster (Coyote) medicine suggests that often we are tricked into learning something new when our own behavior creates the need.

Coyote teaches us how to blend the sacredness with irreverence to achieve balance.  By
laughing at ourselves we diffuse the seriousness and break the stranglehold that limits our energy.  So what’s to stop us?  Self-sabotage – the lacking of self-esteem.

Any act of sabotage is directed by the shadow and is Coyote Trickster medicine of the highest order. What I love about discovering shadow (which is hard, deep work), is that
it presents us with ‘back-door’ lessons we do not expect in order for us to
realize exactly how we are thwarting ourselves.

Helen Lock, in her great work, Transformations of the Trickster suggests…the trickster performs fundamental cultural work:  in understanding her better, we better
understand ourselves, and the subconscious aspects of ourselves that respond to
the trickster’s unsettling and transformative behavior.  Lewis Hyde’s, “Trickster Makes This World” defines it best when he suggests….”trickster is the mythic embodiment of
ambiguity and ambivalence, doubleness and duplicity, contradiction and paradox,
and thus can be seen as a boundary-crosser.” Karl Kerenyi goes even farther to suggest that for the fool, as for the trickster, boundaries are not so much nonexistent as arbitrary (new or different boundaries can be created at will).

The Coyote is the consummate mover of goalposts, constantly redrawing the boundaries of the possible. The trickster pushes the limits of the unorthodox in order to transform
reality.

So what does this have to do with self-esteem, the foundation of all human potential?
Nathaniel Branden, the author and definitive expert and leading pioneer in the field of self-esteem – writes in his book, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem…”The stability we cannot find in the world, we must create within our own persons.  The turbulence of our times demands strong selves with a clear sense of identity, competence, and
worth.  It is a dangerous moment in history not to know who we are or not to trust ourselves.”  To face life with low self-esteem is to be at a severe disadvantage.

Of all judgments we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves.  The value of self-esteem lies not merely in the fact that it allows us to ‘feel’ better, but that it allows us to ‘live’ better….to respond to challenges and opportunities more resourcefully and more appropriately.

Gerald Vizenor, a liberating character in de-mything and redefining Native notions and stereotypes, has spent his life and writing times undoing and redrawing traditional
connections, with the notion of ‘terminal creeds’ – and how they have typically
given rise to the kind of definitive ethnic markers that divide the world rigidly into ‘sides’, and demand to know which side you’re on.  The trickster is on both sides at once, it is
in fact, the perfect vehicle to undermine the ‘terminal creeds’ that rigidify into over determination or stereotype.

What ‘terminal creeds’ are you holding on to?  What myths created internally or externally
have you created to limit yourself based on old traditional notions of your worth, self-value, self-acceptance, self-efficacy and self-concept?  When was the last time you ‘moved a goalpost’ in your own life, created new boundaries for the imagination, or embraced
foolishness?

As we move into the New Year, consider it.  As my friend, companion, writer, author,
blogger, Rob Brezsny writes, “Let me remind you who you really are:  You’re an immortal freedom fighter in service to divine love.”

You will accept nothing less than the miracle of bringing heaven all the way down to earth.  Your task may look impossible, partially camouflaged as time-honored morality,
pessimism, ignorance, and inertia, sprinkled in with…compulsive skepticism, and
mean-spirited irony.

To grapple against these, you need to be an exuberant lover of life!  You’ve got to cultivate
cheerful buoyancy.  What can we do to help each other in this work?

We can conspire together to carry out the agenda that futurist, Barbara Marx Hubbard names:  to hospice what’s dying and midwife what’s being born.  We need to trigger each other’s’ glee, we need to goad and foment the blooming life forces within us that thrive on
imagination, innovation, and creativity….…..as the ‘Coyote’ would suggest, we can inspire each other to perpetrate healing mischief, friendly shocks, compassionate tricks,
blasphemous reverence, holy pranks and crazy wisdom…..

…..blessings today and for the New Year.

Can you remember your most recent hearty laugh, stolen kiss or unexpected special moment with friends or a loved one?  What about your last uninterrupted reading spree, vision of a perfect sunset or a completed ‘craft’ project?

Take time to remember that moment, and realize; that is joy!  At this particular time of year, joy is associated with so many things ‘outside’ ourselves… how happy I would be if I got ‘this’ for Christmas…or how thrilled he would be if I got him ‘this’ for a Holiday gift.  I’m learning to see joy a little differently than as a sense of exuberance – it’s being content and comfortable in the present moment.  Salle Redfield, author of  Creating a Life of Joy:  A Meditative Guide (Warner Books, 1999) suggests:  “It’s finding happiness in each day.”

Contrary also to popular belief, joy is possible even during hard times, says Redfield.  I have always found that true for me, and recently during a transitional time, uninterrupted time of reading books, walking my Sadie, planting my garden, knitting and listening to music provided more joy than I’d found in years.  So here are a few quick tips for finding joy – today – and in the coming hectic weeks:

First, Don’t Force Yourself.  Joy can be found in acts as simple as window shopping, taking a walk, gazing out the window or calling a friend unexpectedly.  Don’t try too hard, it’s right there in front of you, in the present moment.  Secondly, take time to appreciate what you have.  Joy is a state of mind.  Close your eyes and think about what means most to you.  Bathe, literally or figuratively in that moment.  Third, surround yourself with supportive people.  I did that last night in the smallest birthday gathering of four good friends.  A moment (or moments) to remember forever.

Lastly, release clutter and take a break.  Joy is not a mysterious, elusive emotion – it is within evryone’s reach, once you realize that the power is within  you to possess it.  “A peaceful, joyful person knows how to let go of negativity”, writes Susan Colantuono, author of Make Room for Joy:  Finding Magical Moments in your Everyday Life (Interlude Productions, 2000).  It’s ok to be bitter about your pain or anxious about an upcoming doctor’s appointment, but once you recognize the emotion, release it, let it go, unclutter your mind, untether your fearful thoughts, and you’ll soar!

“Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot.  In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.”    Oscar Wilde

Today on Thanksgiving Day, I am full of gratitude for all that matters in my life, particularly for those people who share the best thing you can with others- their own life working!  I have had the opportunity of late to surround myself with people who ‘own’ their success and demonstrate it through a life worth living,  and a spirit that keeps on giving.  It’s the greatest gift you can give someone; writers who write, singers who sing, runners who run, and coaches who coach.

They are owners that Ambrose Redmoon suggests, “….have courage – courage that is not the absence of fear but rather judgement that something else is more important than fear.”  They believe that life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage (Anais Nin).

So as I feast today, I remember what I’m really hungry for; for anything that’s meaningful, a quality connection, and a soulful exchange with those who create, who lift, who inspire, who carry you along on their wings.

Making the most of motherhood has turned out to be – making the most of starting over.  Now, you can’t really start over, but you can recreate some of the best moments of your life with grandchildren.  Recently, I had the opportunity to color and hide Easter eggs with my lovely Olivia and Mason.  Just watching their eyes when they found eggs and put them in their basket was worth the years of angst over the ‘teenage’ years, the concern for my daughter’s heart, my anxiety over a ‘high school prank’ and all that comes from loving.  What a gift Motherhood keeps giving!  For all Mothers, Grandmother’s, Nana’s out there – for those that mother without children of their own- but with the same compassion for others- Happy Mother’s Day.  To my own mother, Francesca – I still send love and thanks to you every single day!

A childhood ritual of rising early, putting on my Easter  dress, shoes and bonnet, and going to church once again to witness the rising of the dead, is alive and well with me this Easter Sunday.

Though some of that ritual is gone from my current routine, thinking about rebirth and reinvention are still alive and well within me.  I call it ‘soul’ thinking.

Yesterday I was compelled to pull out some of the best in my library around what I call ‘soul’ work.  Some years ago, I was fortunate enough to be part of a pilot group for the introdution of Doctoral degrees at University of Phoenix.  Our first class was called Leadership:  The Inner Journey.  My Neptunian spirit, tempered by my Saturnian skepticism was eager to dive into the reading which included:  ‘Deep Change’ by Robert E. Quinn, and ‘The Stirring of Soul in the Workplace’ by Alan Briskin.  Some of the students were livid at the esoteric textbook selection, but I was thrilled.  I’d always thought that there was something better than ‘checking your soul at the door’ when you entered the workplace – a place I’ve hung out for now over four decades.  As Thomas Moore wrote in ‘Care of the Soul’, “It is impossible to define precisely what the soul is.  Definition is an intellectual enterprise anyway; the soul prefers to imagine.”  We know intuitively that soul has to do with genuineness and depth, as is music that has ‘soul’ or a remarkable person we think of as ‘soulful’.  Soulfulness can be seen simply by the senses, good food, great conversation, genuine friends, and experiences that stay in the memory and touch the heart.  Much like my experiences with my grandchilren.

But socially, we neglect and ignore ‘soul’ – fearing that some might consider it part of the underworld, or worse yet the devil or Satan or whatever you consider ‘shadow’.  My contention is that what the world needs now is indeed, love sweet love, but also a good healthy dose of soul!  “Fulfilling work, rewarding relationships, personal power, and relief from sorrow are all gifts of the soul.” (Moore).  Soul doesn’t pour into our life automatically, it requires our skill and attention.  For now, we can say that care of the soul requires a special crafting of life itself, with an artist’s sensitivity to the way things are done.

So for me, this Easter weekend will be spent thinking about those ‘mysteries’.  The mysteries surrounding reinvention, rebirth and rethinking soul.  Care of the soul in not solving the puzzle of  life; quite the opposite, it is an appreciation of the paradoxical mysteries that blend light and darkness into the grandeur of what human life and culture can be.  For me, it is represented in the Coyote – the paradoxical, mythical Native American figure, the name of my ‘soulful’  greeting card line.

Living soulfully is not the reflection of a perfectly crafted life, one of intellectual, serious undertaking, or a perfect display of self all the time – it is the awareness and the wisdom in reflecting on moments in our life that are dark and light -  periods of ‘grandeur’ and  ’foolishness’.  As Thomas Moore summarizes in his last chapter, “when in the midst of my confusion and my stumbling attempts to live a transparent life,  I am the fool, and not everyone around me, then I know I am discovering the power of the to make a life interesting.  Ultimately, care of the soul results in an individual ‘I’ – I never would have planned for or maybe even wanted.”

We know that soul is being cared for when our pleasures feel deeper than usual, when we can let go of the need to be free of complexity and confusion, and when compassion takes the place of distrust and fear.  We know we are well on the way toward soul when we feel attachement to the world and the people around us and when we live as much from the ‘heart’ as from the ‘head’.

Happy ‘Soulful’ Easter!

I almost always include bits of the following lesson on purpose management when I speak to new hires – wanting to get them off to the right start with how to work in an environment that demands a lot – and is distracting at times.  I thought I’d share it again with you as we move into a New Year and new promises for ourself and our priorities!

The best analogy for time management and how easy it can be- is to consider airline travel.  I do a lot of this – and if I’m not flying somewhere most people know I pick up the phone on the first couple of rings.  I often have two people on the line at one time – or I’m actually using two phones which must be annoying – and I vow not to do that this year by following my own advice here.

Let’s say I’m flying to from Utah to Denver and I’m on my way out and somebody tries to stop me on my way out to my car to drive to the airport.  If somebody says, “You’ve got someone who’d like to talk to you for a minute, I say “Tell them I’m on my way out and I’ll call them when I get to Denver – I will call them later.”

If someone else stops me at the door and says, “Could I ask you a question, I say, “No, I really can’t, I’m on my way to the airport, but I will talk to you when I get to Denver or on my return.  I’m looking forward to our conversation.”  Nothing stops me.  If I’m headed to my car and I’m going to the airport, nothing’s going to get in my way, and I don’t have any time management problems.  The reason I don’t is because I have a definite purpose!

If I’m catching a plane and going to Denver today it was not hard at all to tell people no and everything fits into place.  I have no problems with procrastination, I have no time management problems, it was very easy.  If you could keep this in mind, it would eliminate some of your time management problems you have during the day.

Because what really happens is this- people don’t have a central purpose, they don’t have anything really that they’re up to that excites them, so instead they just wake up and see ‘what other people want’ all day, and then they try to please those people.

And when I live my life this way, the problem is that I’m saying ‘yes’ to everything.  People say, ‘can you do this, will you do that, I say’ Yeah – sure, I guess so, and I take every call and I answer every email and people pop their heads in and say ‘have you got a minute and I say ‘ Ok, yeah sure, why not?”

By the end of the day, I look back and say, “Boy, I didn’t get anything done – I must need a new time management system.  Then I go to a class somewhere – get a few new one-liners and a computerized time management system -and it never works because I haven’t solved the central problem and the central problem is:  “I’m not up to anything.”

There’s nothing that I wake up to do that has enough excitement in my life that has me easily saying, ‘no’.  So time management problems are really problems of boldness, a problem of purpose – a problem of selecting something that we are really up to that excites us and keeps us focused throughout the day.  If we did, imagine yourself saying to someone, “No, I won’t be able to do that today….but thanks for asking. Let’s schedule a time when we can do that – and agree to focus on that then.”

This has a lot to do with my other favorite topic, managing agreements.  Time management is ‘classic’ – management agreement with yourself!  If you’re committed to something, you manage to make that happen, if you’re not – it gets managed out.  Making agreements with ourselves and others is very empowering, boosts self-esteem and self-respect.  It also garners respect from others.

It is easy to say ‘no’ to something if you have said ‘yes’ to something else that is more important.  Think about this the next time someone tries to stop you in the office and you’re headed for your child’s dance recital, or your mother’s 70^th birthday party, or your significant other that you promised a night out starting with a movie and popcorn!

So when we master time management, fearlessness is the solution!  Because when I fearlessly, ruthlessly, create my day and choose and select and decide what things I am going to focus on and get done today, then other people can find a way to use the rest of the time I have, based on whether I am ‘ok’ with letting them in.  Sometimes people think, ‘well, no one will like me if I am that way’- actually people like you more.

One last thing – life is sometimes unpredictable and the ‘important thing of the day’ gets ousted for the person who needs you right now, right this minute.  If you decide to let that person into your ‘time management’ or purpose management system – then do that.  Do that one thing – give them every minute of your undivided attention.  Do not multi-task or otherwise question why you got nothing done today.  Know that you did the right thing, move on – and pick up your purpose management system from there.  Keep in mind, if you’re going to miss your plane doing it – it must have been important enough to fit it in.

To a purposely wonderful New Year!

Important Note:  As always I want to thank Steve Chandler: www.clubfearless.net

for his inspiring life lessons over the last dozen years!  Check him out for more of the same.

Yesterday I had the gift (and yes today it is a gift) of getting away to one of California’s prized possessions – Muir Woods, Stinson Beach and the beauty and splendor of the West Coast.

I participated in a day-long silent yoga retreat.  For those unfamiliar, it’s a small group gathered in a ‘yurt’ (slightly fancier and more stable than a tent) for the purposes of thoughtful meditation for mind movement, yoga that inspires body movement and walking meditation, that combines both.

That this happened during one of the worst ‘storm’ days of the year was not lost on the 10 participants gathered.  Our silent retreat was anything but silent with pounding winds and rains swirling around the yurt – which brought the most incredible ‘white noise’ mother nature could muster.  When it stopped (for a few minutes) during the last hour of our day – we actually missed it.

So why bother to put yourself  ‘out there’ ? Yes, we got soaked in a downpour during our walking meditation!  Why take yourself away from the hussle and the bustle of December, Holiday shopping, crowded malls and the requisite baking around this time of year? Why attempt a day of silence, where literally no words are exchanged, not during practice, not during lunch.  Try it and find out.  The beauty of silence is that it enhances the ‘critical thinking’ of thinking about nothing.  You allow yourself the time to shut out all the messages of the world, the family, the critics, and your own self critic – if you’re any good at this!

During this special time of the year, when we transition from one year to the next – contemplate in silence, in a walk by yourself – the true beauty of the season – the love we share for others, with others, and of ourselves.

Rob Brezsny, one of my favorite authors and divine messengers asks, “Have you ever been loved so deeply and so much that you have become jaded about
the enormity of the grace it confers?”
Let me remind you: To be loved is a privilege and a prize equivalent to being
born. If you’re smart, you pause regularly to bask in the astonishing
knowledge that there are many people out there who care for you and want
you to thrive and hold you in their thoughts with fondness.

Animals, too: You have been the recipient of their boundless affection.
The spirits of allies who’ve left this world continue to send their tender
regards, as well. You are awash in torrents of love.

Children, too:  It’s one thing to have your grandchild love you because you’re family – it’s another thing to be loved because you’re his ‘best friend’.

As tremendous a gift it is to get love, giving love is an equal boon.  Many scientific studies demonstrate that whenever you bestow blessings on other people, you bless yourself.
Expressing practical compassion not only strengthens your immune system and bolsters your health, but also
promotes self-esteem, enhances longevity, and stimulates tranquility and even euphoria.

Blessings and Thanksgiving wishes you all and your ‘loved’ ones.

Today we received a gift that was very difficult for someone to ‘gift’ us.  It was a four year-old precious, sweet black lab, and picking her up from her current owners was ‘painful’.  Their unconditional love for this fabulous dog allowed them to part with their family – in order for Scott and I to ‘love her up’ for the rest of her years.  Giving such a precious gift can be challenging to the heartstrings - we have the beauty of having Sadie in our life – and the giver has peace of mind knowing it was ‘given with love’.  We don’t take this gift lightly – we will treasure her forever.

What a lifelong stratagem for defeat ‘attachment’ is. 

Detachment is essential on the path to inner fulfillment, but it has often been confused with abandonment. The general opinion is that we must renounce the things that give us worldly pleasure in order to experience detachment, but attachment is not the same as possessing. 

You can have possessions without being attached, just as you can live in a cave with nothing, and be attached all the same! Attachment is about letting go of need, of the fear of loss; ultimately, it’s about finding fulfillment within ourselves, so that we no longer depend on the things or people around us for satisfaction. When this happens, you can fully enjoy the things you have, but without the fear of losing them.

What are you attached to? We are all attached to something. It might be our children, our partners, our material possessions, our jobs. Or it might be to something more subtle; our image, our ideas, our beliefs and convictions. If you ever find yourself trying to hold a position, or defend an idea, you can be sure you are attached.  

When we feel we need to ‘control’ an environment, an experience, an event, a conversation, a relationship – we are attaching ourselves-defining ourselves by that controlling, attached thought or action. 

Simply becoming aware of what you are attached to is the first step towards letting go. When you are conscious of an attachment, you will be able to identify the need that is attached to it, and the fear that is activated every time your attachment is threatened in some way. 

We think the things around us are our source of happiness, but when we let go of attachment, we discover the boundless joy that lies within. What brings true freedom is detachment from the need to control-and the ability to say ‘I do not fear what I do not know.’ 

When detachment is challenging, go inward and allow yourself to feel the anxiety of fear. Take a deep breath and try to figure out what you are trying to control at that very moment…and say to yourself…’from this day forward, with discipline and grace, I will only attach myself to one thing…my breath’-and take a deep sigh (breath) of relief!